Sunday, May 24, 2009
Interesting Years 1981 and 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died
Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died
Lesson learned ?
The next time Charles gets married ... someone warn the Pope !!!
Quote of the Month
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
To All the Kids Who Survived the 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because,
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computer!, no Internet or chat rooms.......
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of t he best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEALWITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good . While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
Don't Stop Believin' from Glee
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1UMl9sC5v0A&feature=related
http://www.fox.com/glee/
Friday, May 22, 2009
Could You Sleep at Night Here?
Wonder if these houses would be there the next morning?
And why would # 2 need a car?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
#1
DON'T WANT VISITORS? JUST UNHOOK THE CABLE.
= = = = = = = = = =
JUST MIGHT CATCH ON....
# 2
MOST PEOPLE USE TREES FOR A WINDBREAK.....
# 3
CONSIDER THE PANIC IF YOU HEARD A BRANCH CRACK...
# 4
HOW DID THEY GET THAT CAR IN THERE?
# 5
LONG CLIMB AFTER A DAY'S WORK!
# 6
TREE BELOW...FLOWERS ABOVE... SOME PEOPLE ARE
= = = = = = = = = = = =
JUST WEIRD!
# 7
NOT DURING HURRICANE SEASON, THANK YOU.....
# 8
GOT A LITTLE PROBLEM WITH DAMPNESS AT YOUR HOUSE?
# 9
I'VE HEARD OF PEOPLE'S BRIDGEWORK, BUT THIS IS RIDICULOUS!
# 10
BETTER TALK TO AL GORE ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING!
Jokes to Offend Everyone
Juan on Juan
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him 'Sum Ting Wong'
= = = = = = = = = = = = = =
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Gilles Bensimon, photographer
Thursday, May 14, 2009
What Would Tiger Do?
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks his wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry , I was going to call room service and get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that!" she claims.
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone..
"What are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to call room service to get some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that," again she claims.
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a third time."
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife a third time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this damn hole!"
Mathematical Difference
"To My Dear Wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you & I value you as a good wife.
Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.
Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."
Then the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
"My Dear Husband. I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old.
I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old.
As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college.
I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Marriot Hotel with Michael, one of my students.
He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that although it may appear
That we are in the same situation, there is one mathematical difference:
“18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18."
Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Headlines
No, really? Ya think?
---------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
---------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
'good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
---------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
---------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
Oklahoma's new construction program!
---------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
---------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
---------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That' s what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
---------------------------------------------
And the winner is ....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
---------------------------------------------
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Farm Kid
(NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are.
Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minchby a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
........Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon, when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake ... I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
........Your loving daughter,
Alice
Fun Facts
(Hardly seems worth it.)
- - - - - -
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)
- - - - - -
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
- - - - - -
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
- - - - - -
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
- - - - - -
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work)
- - - - - -
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the ... ?!")
- - - - - -
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes ... lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
- - - - - -
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
- - - - - -
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity)
- - - - - -
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
- - - - - -
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm ......)
- - - - - -
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
- - - - - -
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
- - - - - -
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
- - - - - -
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
- - - - - -
Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)
- - - - - -
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)
- - - - - -
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Thanks
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel. Or my foot.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. ( Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot )
Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
I can no longer enjoy a slice of lemon with my iced tea or water from a resturant because I don't know WHAT bacteria is lurking on the rind.
I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl ( Penny Brown ) is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ' Under God ' on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies !
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
How Important Is the Super Bowl?
As he sits down, a man comes down to ask if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
"No", he said, "the seat is empty".
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl , the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it ?"
Somberly, the man says, "Well...the seat actually belongs to me. I was supposed to come here with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl that we have not come to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative or even a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head: "No. They're all at the funeral."
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Our Legal System at Its Worst and Best
Best lawyer/insurance story of the year, decade, and possibly the century.
This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina ....
A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.”
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The lawyer sued and WON!
Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous… The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable “fire” and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the “fires”.
After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.
This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award Contest.
Only in America
No Wonder the rest of the world thinks we’re nuts.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
_____________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
E-Mail Study
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.